Regarding "That Guy"

I have several times now referred to someone as That Guy. For those of you not in the know, That Guy is a highly technical term for a very specific type of douchebaggery that at the same time has an almost limitless spectrum of possibly applications. I cannot claim to be the originator of the term, by any means, but it has become one of my favorite means of insult and fits very nicely with what I was recently told is my habit of telling people to fuck off while not actually fighting them.

While not every situation has a That Guy, almost all irritating situations do. Sometimes its a That Girl, but for the sake of discussion, we'll be kicking gender neutrality in wherever one kicks something neutral and sticking with the masculine. My favorite That Guys are those that exist in everyday situations, for their very everydayness makes it all the more improbable that That Guy doesnt know he's being a tool and pissing everyone off. For example, you're sitting in line for a coffee at your local francise espresso house, and you notice that you haven't been moving very much. You look up only to see That Guy at the head of the line talking on a cellphone, looking very important, and holding up a single finger to the barista as if to say, "I'm so important that I'm just going to stand here not letting you do your job. Oh, also, I'm more important than everyone behind me, so fuck 'em." The barista will most likely look like murdering him even harder than anyone has ever wanted to murder someone.

Everyone's seen this particular That Guy, even That Guy. As a matter of fact, That Guy has almost certainly bitched about another similar That Guy in the past. "Man," That Guy probably ranted, upon reentering the office 5 minutes later than usual, "I cannot believe That Guy wouldn't hang up and order his latte. I mean, everyone was about to kill him. WTF" Not realizing that you are being a type of That Guy that you have previously ranted about is, of course, a hallmark of That Guys everywhere and should in no way be considered an inconsistency in the theory. It might, in point of fact, be a requisite.

A great That Guy I encountered recently was That Guy Talking on a Cellphone on the Bus. Man, FUCK That Guy. Here's this dude, maybe 30-32, black jeans, black leather coat, a pompadour, and these big bushy mutton-chops just yammering away at top volume about how he didn't want to be the guy on a phone on the bus. Well, Vic, or whatever totally wannabe '50's tough-guy name you've given yourself, why don't you just hang up the phone? This is the type of question that *never* occurs to That Guy. Even in the midst of having a conversation about how he does not want to be That Guy, That Guy will consider *not* being That Guy only as an absolutely last resort.

That Guy can also be used as a warning to friends and loved ones, so that they might check themselves and thus prevent becoming wrecked. Your friend has passed annoying and has reached the point of aggravation induction that blows might come to pass if left unfettered. "Dude, don't be That Guy," you say. Clear, concise, yet not emotionally loaded for uncomplicated use in company, this phrase communicates that your friend's behavior must stop, that things are no longer all in good fooling, and that should the situation not be rectified, uppance will be coming. This really is the best of all possible uses, when you get right to it. Its the preemptive action, friendship in the Aristotelian sense, forcibly correcting the behavior of your friend for his or her own sake. For if you fail to help them check, they might become wrecked before anyone can do anything about it.

As so wonderfully summarized by Married To The Sea:







You don't want to end up like, that, do you? On a slab in some turn of the 20th century morgue? Of course not.

Tags: That Guy, sarcasm