DVD Packaging Can Go Suck A Fuck

I am so seriously, what the FUCK is up with DVD packaging?
I cannot fucking stand it.

With the help of a few Borders coupons, I picked up a few (more than I should have) DVDs over the past couple weeks. I still havent watched any of them, of course, I've been to busy playing GTA IV and Mario Kart Wii, both of which are hands down the best of their respective franchises, by the by, so they'd been sitting on my table just waiting to be unwrapped. Normally, this just would not stand. I would have to immediately unwrap them and re-alphabetize my collection to accommodate the new acquisition. I have, shamefully, reached critical mass on my bookshelf and will, on pain of OCD, have to reorganize the whole damn thing to make room. So: stack on my coffee table. Just for the time being. I fucking SWEAR. Really.

But back to the topic at hand, I took the time to unwrap a few the other day and nearly had to go score some mood stabilizers after being sent to the fucking moon on a spaceship constructed solely of frustration, obsession, and murderous intentions toward every single last fucking person who had anything to do with the decision making process that lead to the current design of DVD packaging. I say decision making process because nothing this evil could have come to be without the help of a committee, a flow chart, and probably several very poorly executed powerpoint presentations.

Foremost on the list of motives for justifiable and righteous manslaughter: the shrink wrap. Now, shrink wrap is nothing evil in its own right; it has been perverted by the forces of darkness for their own evil purposes. "Now wait just a second, weirdbeard, shrink wrap is on a lot of things, and isn't really that bad," I can hear you muttering in protest, but you know what? FUCK YOU. DVD shrink wrap is shat straight from Satan's rectum. It comes without a rip-enabling strip, and it nearly always gets melted to the spine of my DVDs. Ever smoked? Or watched someone smoke? Or, *gasp* seen someone open a pack of cigarettes? Rip-enabling strip, all the way around those fuckers. You know why? Because the tobacco industry, whatever other faults it has, isn't so completely rondo as to sell a product that may not be opened as easily as possible. But even if you cleanly open DVD shrink wrap, you've still got a 50/50 chance of ending up with the spine trailing little streamers of plastic, where it melted to the case. What the fuck is that? Why am I paying for the privilege of having to work at preventing large sections of my DVD collection from looking like they've been bukakked by a plastic monster?

Once you're past the shrink wrap, there's still the theft-prevention tape to deal with. That's right, one layer of defense from me watching the movie I just purchased isn't enough. At least one more is required. Clearly a piece of tape over the top of the case is required. On principle, I'm OK with this. But is using adhesive so strong that pulling the tape off can actually stretch the cover of the case really necessary? I don't think so. I shouldn't need to bust out a sharp knife to surgically open the tape just because picking up a corner to pull will be so difficult and require so much pressure with the fingernail that half the time it leaves a huge divot in the case. But its OK, because once you get it started, the perforations in the tape will tear, so you have to repeat the process two more damnable times. And if THAT weren't enough, some DVDs have THREE pieces of theft-deterrent tape, top, side and bottom. Just in case. Assholes.

So, if you had anything to do with the aforementioned frustrations in my life, you may now rest easy in the knowledge that you sir or madam, can just go suck a fuck.

Tags: wtf, rants, movies