That Guy #2: That guy who wears cologne to the gym

For the second installment of my Salute to That Guy, I'd like to talk about a new That Guy of my acquaintance, That Guy Who Wears Cologne to the Gym.

You may have noticed That Guy before. First, there's a mysterious shift in the usual gym smells of sweaty bodies, laundry, and cleaning products. A little time passes and it waxes, beginning to drown all else out. You look around, wondering who would do such a thing. Then you see him: That Guy Who Wears Cologne to the Gym.

He's probably a good looking guy. That Guy, whatever his other flaws, takes care of himself. Apart from obviously spending a lot of time in the gym, That Guy has a tastefully adventurous haircut, possibly with meticulously maintained facial hair. Nothing skeezy like a 70's mustache for That Guy, a soul-patch or a 5-day stubble that's been shaved around for perfect symmetry is more That Guy's style.

That Guy will also be dressed very nicely... almost too nicely. His shirt matches the trim on his shorts, which matches the trim on his shoes. Any pattern on his shirt will, of course, match the main color of his shorts. That Guy plans his gym wardrobe as meticulously as he shaves around his stubble. Very meticulously.

The best part about That Guy is that he usually appears not to be working out. At the very most, That Guy will take a brisk walk on the elliptical machine for a few minutes, but not long enough to really get the heat up. He's wearing cologne, after all, once you start wiping sweat off your face, its just gonna go straight in your eyes and sting like a bitch. That Guy knows this all too well, so a lot of stretching is usually what he'll be doing. Maybe some light weights, you know... for toning.

I have had the misfortune to start working out at the same time as That Guy recently, and worse we seem to prefer the same area in the locker room. Every Fucking Day before heading out, 5 FULL FUCKING SPRAYS with the cologne. He looks like if Samir from Office Space had a Queer Eye makeover. What really worries me is that simply by being in the same room, I'm picking some of the stench up, and that then people think I'm That Guy. And it kills me inside a little everyday.

Addendum: I would assume that there is a corresponding That Girl, probably That Girl Who Wears the $400 Workout Outfit to Walk on the Treadmill. Apart from being even less well-worded, I just dont care about That Girl. I'm a straight dude, and I will more than likely never say anything resembling "man, I wish that hot chick would stop wearing tight, perfectly tailored clothes while working out next to me." Of course, though I'll not complain, I'm not gonna oggle, either. I'm not That Guy Who Leers at Ladies at the Gym. Nobody wants to be That Guy.

Tags: rants, sarcasm, That Guy